there is nothing anyone could have done.
this is something i have planned out, as disgusting as that is.
i do this for many reasons.
i selfishly want to run away from the problems that come with
disappointing my family and ruining my life.
i am thankful to have done so many cool things.
this is not the fault of my school, my family, or anything specific.
i am just a terrible problem solver and therefore chose to run away.
i apologize for not reaching out to many people.
i am immensely grateful to anyone who has been a part of my life.
and if i didn't reach out to you, i am sorry, but know that i appreciate you.
doing this is a recipe to fuck up many people's lives,
and i deserve to rot in hell for this.
to the online communities i've been in i am super thankful for.
yall always provided a positive note to my life.
on that note, my final diary entry is below. the others may explain better.
love, vivi / veitamura / eightfoldwing / fdhhh / jk
_____________________________________________________________________
today is the day i have found a name that suits me
though i don't have the courage to say it to anyone.
call me vivi.
and on this day, i want to say goodbye.
private notes have been shared (at least i hope so)
and anyone i have interacted with has made a positive impact on my life.
no one has caused this but me, and i have dreamed about it for a long time.
i just find it easy to say now because i finally failed my final goal.
i am, for all intents and purposes, a man - and this disgusts me.
i am happy to delude myself in this lie but
i do not present enough effort to make my dreams a truth.
i have let my weakness through too many times
and because of that, i have thoroughly lost it
i spend all this time on stupid introspection
looking back
on making promises i couldn't keep and ruining my partner's life
to keeping secrets from my family because i'm scared of being disowned
and now everything is getting so big
and instead of using the incredible resources i have at my disposal
to stand and fight
i want to run away.
i found a place where i can die.
i was sitting in church with my family
and it made me realize the impossibility of ever reconciling with them
and my hrt pills are running out and i can't contact anyone
and i have failed at my only purpose
i cannot even support the one person who has been more gracious to me
than anyone.
and i should die for these things.
on top of that, i am a selfish, manipulative, mentally ill moron.
i can't help making things about myself and hurting myself
which hurts everyone around me
and i want to become their enemy, so that when they hate me,
they will miss me less.
because i will make sure these thoughts will never go away.
my family system is a whole family of crabs
the wise adult is a hermit crab, the rational child is another, but without a shell.
the anxious child is a spider crab whose arms are all-reaching.
and whenever anyone wants to escape the well, an arm comes slashing across
and the others crash down.
i cannot emotionally reassure my partner
i accidentally belittle her and generally make everything worse at all times.
which i should have expected (this is not a new phenomenon)
i want to stop making things worse but that is impossible.
so instead, i will cower into a ball and escape and
make everything fifty times worse by throwing myself off a building.
this is not an action of an innocent person
escaping mistreatment or abuse.
this is an action of a pathetic disgusting person
escaping their responsibilities.
this is an action of a delusional trans individual
who is not strong enough for the label
who does not fit this label.
i am irredeemably ugly and a stain on the world.
in my summary i will explain that this is no one's fault but mine.
i start a job tomorrow - i hope i can leave before i fuck it up too.
every single research gig i've done has been a complete failure
and i've deluded myself for too long thinking that i have a career in this.
all of my other notes are written.
please have a wonderful day, and my last delusion is that
my death fixes the wrongs i have committed

TLDR;
i was a huge asshole as a kid. i like to think i have changed course,
but i have been truly terrible to those i know.
even before my biggest failure (the gender thing)
i have been letting everyone down like my partner
and especially my family.
even without knowing their knowing the nature of what i have done to myself
i have broken their trust and alienated their love.
i deserve nothing but death.
thank you for reading.