ive been going to class and there and back and i have been so unrelentingly lazy.
i look at my homework and it makes me want to stop trying.
i'll disappoint my parents no matter what i do and i have a hard time seeing what its all for.
i end up thinking about throwing myself off of the tallest building on campus and finding
which ones are possible to climb into and leap out of.
i am filled with moronic self pity.
i ate too much and feel disgusted with myself.
i do not deserve my partner,
i do not deserve my friends
because i am simply incapable of hard work, learning, and growth.
to think i wanted to go to grad school,
was incredibly narcissistic.
i am pleased to help out my loved one and she is the only reason i am still here
but when she says she wants to kill herself i need to stop myself
from suggesting we go together.
she asks me not to hurt myself and i listen,
because seeing her cry is the worst pain in the world,
but i still feel like i am disobeying.
i told my therapist i like writing poetry which is true
but i am more connected to this mess of prose.
i hate my incompetence with every fiber of my being
and either write this or rip myself to pieces.