how can you describe
placing yourself in a position of difficulty
entirely of your own creation
willingly destroying your life and future while watching everyone around you progress
other than laziness?
how can you blame
anyone but yourself
for your disgusting body and smell and face and hands and
how egregiously must you hallucinate
that you can possibly live a fulfilling life and mean something to others and the world
if you push your friends away and know that your family would be happier if i never existed
if only i was happy being their good man
and got off my little computer with my little computer friends
i still would have failed but
it's fun to guess what could have been
i could have given her a happy life
i could have made sure she never cried again
i could have been strong and tough and her shield
and instead i crumble in front of her and collapse into a sobbing mess
instead i run away from her and hide my fear and knowledge
that i am inadequate and she blames herself and it makes me
want to tear my heart out and crash into the ground and drown myself.
i read and study how others have ended their lives
and i envy their dedication and only wish
that whatever i plan ends up going well.
its difficult to imagine a good scenario, i will probably fail
i want to get married and finally give her my only aspect of value.
once i'm gone, she will need that.
i wonder if my brother and parents will be grateful that i ended things early
instead of exposing my disgusting fantastical secrets to them
i will die honored for at least some time before
they discover that the ugliest, most selfish, most inadequate man they know
is trying to become a girl.
she will fail.
he will fail.