i am sitting in an alcove in a stairwell of this huge building on the top floor
getting out of this open note exam where i didn't know what to do
every time i try to do something good for myself i self-sabotage in some dumb way
every time i do that, i am solely responsible
my partner worried that i would harm myself today
but i deserve every word of her criticism
she is incredible for still seeing something in me
i dont know whats going on now
what will happen?
my grades aren't good enough for grad school, and no one will ever hire me
especially once the hormones kick in.
i want to fulfill the expectations people have in me,
and then immediately go die somehow.
i want to make my partner happy,
and in order to do that i have to change,
and actually want things, suggest things, and care.
because as i am now, i deserve every punishment.
i ask her to get angry at me because I need that.
i do not deserve this sort of compassion or understanding.
i wish for her life to go well and i feel so horrible
knowing that either i will continue living and letting her down over and over again,
seeing my family disown me,
or just end it while things are still going okay.